“I Had To Fight For Every Inch” by Vunzai Yeazel
In 2008 in my late 20’s, I went for a regular annual visit and was informed that I had three small fibroids developing.
So when I thought I met the man of my dreams in 2010 and got married, I always knew I had some things to take care of.
Statistically, many women with fibroids deliver healthy babies every day.
This sadly was not my story; when my husband and I started trying to conceive after two years of marriage–and a tumultuous marriage it was–I had two consecutive miscarriages.
We decided to seek professional help. I prayed a lot, called a few doctors I researched online and spoke with some of my closest friends, asking if they knew someone who knew a good fertility doctor and surgeon.
My Health Crisis
Alas at this point my marriage was already hanging by a thread.
My fertility specialist diagnosed me with hypothyroidism, antiphospholipid syndrome and that I had 5 fibroids that needed to be removed. So about this same time last year I underwent my myomectomy to remove the fibroids from my uterus.
Needless to say, I was devastated, depressed and gained more than 60lbs.
I could not walk or wash myself. I spent almost four weeks looking at the white ceiling in my bedroom.
I am a Type A personality and never knew what depression was until this episode in my life. It was at this point that my husband began having multiple affairs and the emotional abuse started.
During my depression, I went from being an optimist, outgoing, rigidly organized, bubbly and proactive, to being a pessimist, seeing no hope for my future, overeating and staying indoors every chance that I could get.
I had no lust for life and I harbored a constant, overwhelming feeling of failure.
The other part that made me cry was the strain that my health and weight gain put on my marriage and the feelings of failing my husband.
In hindsight, the turmoil was mostly internal. The negative voices in my head would play this tape, “You are a woman so the least you should be able to do is bear children.”
My husband was no longer a patient man and this was a storm we could not survive.
In the wake of kicking my husband out and watching him move in with girlfriend number two, I sought counseling and retained a lawyer.
I also took a leave of absence from my career and ministry. These were dark and horrible times. It is in my weekly counseling and visits to my lawyer’s office that I began to heal and start to rediscover who I am and who I want to be.
I never dreamt I would need help…I needed to start loving myself above all else.
I truly believe God and the love of my family and friends carried me through this season. I am still not a mother yet, but I am believing and praying that I will become a mother one day soon. There is still work to do; I am afraid of dating and just not willing to be hurt and betrayed on that level again.
Yet, being a wife and a mother no longer define me.
Clawing My Way Back From Rock Bottom
I began to reconstruct my life and dreams. This 5-year saga almost killed me physically.
But emotional and spiritually I needed a resuscitation for sure.
It was a painful shedding of the old and figuring out my new. Looking at old broken traditions and seeing what I wanted instead trying to fit into cultural norms that had been impinged upon me. I was raised in Africa so success in business and family are a must (so I thought.)
My key takeaways for rebuilding myself were:
- I am no longer a size 6, but I am an amazing person and I love my curves.
- Just because motherhood did not happen with my ex-husband does not mean I am broken and preeminently damaged. In fact, I dodged a bullet. For my child to have an addict and gambler as a father would be a nightmare.
- I also launched a company; www.liveboldconsulting.com. I decided once and for all that I would bet on me and others who are creative, bold, and crazy enough to chase after their dreams no matter the cost. We work with creatives to produce impactful content through workshops, social media and film. I also travel the country speaking to groups of women through my organization www.gorgeouswithin.com. My must popular topics are around body image, dreams and entrepreneurship.
I have finally lost 15 lbs, and I can run again! I am currently training for my first ½ marathon so please follow me and cheer me on.
I know what it is to see your dreams ripped from your womb and have your identity taken for a spin.
I had to fight for every inch while keeping my sanity. If this is your battle, trust me, fight for yourself–and never give up. You are worth it.